Friday, June 24, 2011

Slutty Werewolves: An Interview With Jacob Black

After reading "Writing Young-Adult Fiction: Better Than Going To The Prom", an article in Slate Magazine, teen werewolf Jacob Black invited NO REST FOR THE LAZY correspondent Amparo Ortiz to his Forks residence for an exclusive interview. 

Amparo: "Thank you so much for having me, Jacob. How are you today?"

Jacob: "Pissed."

Amparo (sits back): "Why is that?"

Jacob: "Well, I just read the Slate article. That one about YA."

Amparo: "So you know what those two authors are saying about you."

Jacob (nods): "They called me a slutty werewolf." 

Amparo: "Correct. And what do you think about that label?"

Jacob: "It's stupid."

Amparo: "Why is that?"

Jacob: "Because I'm not a slutty werewolf. Sure, I've saved Bella a couple times, and I've tried to hit on her while she was all sad about the bloodsucker dumping her. Really dumb, I know. But I'm not hitting on anyone else. I'm not getting it on with everyone in Forks. In fact, I'm not getting it on with anyone. So yeah. I'm not a slutty werewolf."

Amparo: "Any thoughts on why they would call you that?"

Jacob: "Maybe because I'm always shirtless?"

Amparo (pulls out photographic evidence): "We can see here..."

"...that you tend to save people while half-naked."

Jacob: "Sure, sure."

Amparo: "And here..."

"...that you're best known for strolling around in the woods while half-naked."

Jacob (nods): "It's part of the package, you know. Being a werewolf means taking your clothes off. If people have a problem with that, then don't look at my half-naked body." 

Amparo (puts the photos away): "Going back to your comment on not having sex with anyone. Do you feel like being branded a slutty werewolf ruins your chances at a relationship?"

Jacob: "I can't control what people think. Some girls might take it to heart and stay away from me. Others might like it and see if it's true. I don't know what'll happen, but I do know that most of it will be out of my control."

Amparo: "How do you feel about the rest of the article, though? How the authors view YA as a whole?"

Jacob: "Same thing. YA authors can write the best stories they're capable of,  pour their hearts and souls into them, and there will still be people who won't respect them. Who call them lazy and immature for writing books for teens. They can't control what others think or say, only their stories. Which, if you ask me, are pretty awesome. So to them, I say fight back the right way: keep writing awesome stories.

Amparo: "Agreed. So after this debacle, what's next for Jacob Black?"

Jacob: "The usual. Running through the woods. Hanging out with my pack. Protecting Bella. Protecting Forks. And I'll do it all shirtless." 

*Ms. Ortiz would like to add that Jacob Black was shirtless during this interview, but he never tried to sleep with her. She is still recovering from the lack of flirting. 


  1. Love the "official" response from Jacob Black. Well done!

  2. I am dying with laughter at this.

  3. Ditto what Sam Ripley said. My condolences though on his lack of flirting.

  4. Oh. Lack of flirting by the half-naked werewolf would be totally disappointing. But this post ... awesome.

  5. Go Team Jacob! Er, I mean, Great Post, Amparo!

  6. This is the best post you've had since your "My critique stages a la Taylor Lautner's body" post. ;)

    And he didn't flirt? Jerk.

  7. LOL!

    Today's active werewolf can't be bothered with shirts.

  8. lol Amparo, you and Jacob are awesome!