Trick-or-Treaters You Should Stay Away From...

Happy Halloween, folks! Hope you're stocked up on candy and spooky reads today! 

Me? Well, I'm... scared.

You see, trick-or-treaters will knock on my door tonight. And although I love giving people unhealthy foods, I may just keep all my lollipops to myself when these dudes come around.

Here's my Halloween Survival Guide: Trick-or-Treaters You Should Stay Away From:

Muscles? HA! Nobody cares, dude. Nobody cares. If he shows up half-naked to your doorstep, he should not be trusted, people. Plus, nobody cares about muscles.

*stares at muscles*

Do not take his hand. Ever. No matter how deep and reassuring his voice is when he says he'll save your life. Dudes that do this might kidnap the heck out of you, okay? Say no to the hand.

Why do I insist on staying away from all this pretty?

Oh, come on. You know the truth about pretty, don't you?

STAY AWAY FROM THE PRETTY!!

Now if you'll excuse me, I must go chain myself to the wall before The Pretty ring my doorbell.

*flees*

Are you prepared for The Pretty today? What survival tips work best for you?

Slutty Werewolves: An Interview With Jacob Black

After reading "Writing Young-Adult Fiction: Better Than Going To The Prom", an article in Slate Magazine, teen werewolf Jacob Black invited NO REST FOR THE LAZY correspondent Amparo Ortiz to his Forks residence for an exclusive interview. 

Amparo: "Thank you so much for having me, Jacob. How are you today?"

Jacob: "Pissed."

Amparo (sits back): "Why is that?"

Jacob: "Well, I just read the Slate article. That one about YA."

Amparo: "So you know what those two authors are saying about you."

Jacob (nods): "They called me a slutty werewolf." 

Amparo: "Correct. And what do you think about that label?"

Jacob: "It's stupid."

Amparo: "Why is that?"

Jacob: "Because I'm not a slutty werewolf. Sure, I've saved Bella a couple times, and I've tried to hit on her while she was all sad about the bloodsucker dumping her. Really dumb, I know. But I'm not hitting on anyone else. I'm not getting it on with everyone in Forks. In fact, I'm not getting it on with anyone. So yeah. I'm not a slutty werewolf."

Amparo: "Any thoughts on why they would call you that?"

Jacob: "Maybe because I'm always shirtless?"

Amparo (pulls out photographic evidence): "We can see here..."

"...that you tend to save people while half-naked."

Jacob: "Sure, sure."

Amparo: "And here..."

"...that you're best known for strolling around in the woods while half-naked."

Jacob (nods): "It's part of the package, you know. Being a werewolf means taking your clothes off. If people have a problem with that, then don't look at my half-naked body." 

Amparo (puts the photos away): "Going back to your comment on not having sex with anyone. Do you feel like being branded a slutty werewolf ruins your chances at a relationship?"

Jacob: "I can't control what people think. Some girls might take it to heart and stay away from me. Others might like it and see if it's true. I don't know what'll happen, but I do know that most of it will be out of my control."

Amparo: "How do you feel about the rest of the article, though? How the authors view YA as a whole?"

Jacob: "Same thing. YA authors can write the best stories they're capable of,  pour their hearts and souls into them, and there will still be people who won't respect them. Who call them lazy and immature for writing books for teens. They can't control what others think or say, only their stories. Which, if you ask me, are pretty awesome. So to them, I say fight back the right way: keep writing awesome stories." 

Amparo: "Agreed. So after this debacle, what's next for Jacob Black?"

Jacob: "The usual. Running through the woods. Hanging out with my pack. Protecting Bella. Protecting Forks. And I'll do it all shirtless." 

*Ms. Ortiz would like to add that Jacob Black was shirtless during this interview, but he never tried to sleep with her. She is still recovering from the lack of flirting. 

Two Unrelated (Yet Very Important) Things On A Tuesday...

Thing #1: ACROSS THE UNIVERSE by Beth Revis is officially out in stores!!!! *brain explodes* Do you have ANY IDEA how long I've been waiting for this book? A millennium and a half. That's how long.

Thing #2: Nerds are officially cool! Why? See picture above. That's the current King Of Nerd Cool, Mr. Jesse Eisenberg. He's the star of THE SOCIAL NETWORK by the best director ever, David Fincher. And yeah, I've seen Jesse's face before. In three other movies, to be exact. Now his face is everywhere. I saw THE SOCIAL NETWORK and l-o-v-e-d it. Jesse's performance is incredible. I hated him, loved him, hated him, and loved him again. Point is, he is geek chic, my friends. He is bringing nerdy back and in a big way. 

Why am I telling you this, you ask?

Simple. For those of you who think Robert Pattinson and Taylor Lautner rule the world, I have found your solution. :) 

What say you? Is geek chic the new brooding vamp/cocky werewolf?

My Critiquing Stages a la Taylor Lautner's Body

Remember that time I talked about how Robert Pattinson's hair reminds me of writing? Or how Kristen Stewart's face nails my brainstorming process perfectly? Well, this week I had another totally useless epiphany--the feedback I give my crit partners is a lot like Taylor Lautner's body.

I know what you're thinking: "Amparo, stop looking for excuses to put up half-naked pictures of Taylor Lautner!" Believe me when I say this is not the case. There is a VERY VALID REASON, as you will see in a minute. *blushes*

All right. Let's get to it. Here are my critiquing stages a la Taylor Lautner's body:

Step One: My crit partners are very productive people. I am impressed by them. I am also jealous, but that revelation does little for this post. Anyway, my crit partners write their glorious manuscripts and send their latest babies to me. Once I am able to pry my face from Alexander Skarsgard's abs, I download their babies and read. In this first read, I simply focus on giving my uber-positive comments. Basically, I gush my brains out. Or make jokes. Sometimes both. The point is, I only highlight what makes the manuscript fun to read and easy to understand. My critique starts off a little on the light side, and sort of looks like this:

Step Two: I am a sucker for dialogue. Specifically, how it shows me who the character is. Voice is really important to me, and I'm super lucky to have crit partners with kickass voice. First, I focus on everything dialogue-related: whether what is said by Character A makes sense, does it clash with a previous action and/or interior monologue, is the scene dragging because the convos don't increase tension or give relevant info, etc. Then I dive in to the more style-related stuff, like whether there's too much passive voice, how well the words are flowing, the clarity of the setting/emotions/conflict. Little by little, my critique gets juiced up into something more meaningful. And, you know, a little thicker:

Step Three: After I read their pages, I give my overall impression at the end of the sample. I talk about what I loved best first, then I highlight the parts I think could be improved. By doing this, I feel like I'm giving my crit partners a more detailed version of what I scribbled on the Track Changes along the manuscript. But that's not the most important part, though. I find this Big Picture necessary because it gives me the chance to explain the Why better. Why I think some parts can be improved. Why I think the voice is awesome. Why I think the pacing should be tighter. Believe it or not, critiques are all about the Why. Without it, your partners will simply think you're a snob with no heart. The Why is what makes any manuscript better, folks. Use it. And when you do, you'll see that your critique bulks up to a point where it's fully fleshed out and uber-tight:

See? VERY VALID REASON for writing this post, right? Right???


Quick reminder: The results are in for Operation Awesome's December Mystery Agent Contest!! If you entered, believe me when I say you will NOT be disappointed!! Woot!


Now fess up: what's your critiquing style?