Robert Pattinson's Post-breakup Hair Heals ALL THE THINGS

Confession: I am sick.

I am less sick than last Friday, when I went to Chili's with The Fam to celebrate my little brother's birthday. I honestly felt like I was going to THROW UP my lunch. And pass out. At the same time. 

But nope, I did not throw up or pass out. Instead, I spent Labor Day weekend in bed, dazed and confused and watching episodes of Here Comes Honey Boo Boo ("YOU'D BETTER REDNECKOGNIZE!!!"). Today, I feel a lot better, but I'm still stuffy and a bit dazed/confused/weak.

Then I remembered something I saw a few weeks back. Something that made me go, "WHOA, I can't take all that pretty."

 

Robert Pattinson's Post-breakup Hair

LOOK AT THAT SHINYNESS. AND THAT SHAPE. THAT. SHAPE. AND THE WAY IT DOESN'T MOVE EVER AT ALL. AND THAT ICE CREAM AT THE BOTTOM. *makes grabby hands*

Folks, I am healed. I have enough energy to stand up, dance a combination of the Samba and the hokey pokey while yelling "YOU'D BETTER REDNECKOGNIZE!!!" in fluent Mandarin. Why? Because Robert Pattinson's Post-breakup Hair is my new medicine. It is pretty, shiny, and BLONDISH BROWN. I mean, seriously. 

You know you want that hair for yourself. Admit it.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have a dance routine I must finish choreographing.

**Editor's note: the author of this blog post, Amparo Ortiz, is currently suffering from a mind-crippling illness. As such, this blog post is nothing more than an embarrassing episode of dementia. Please understand her during this difficult time.